The Wedding Gig: Aren't they just darling?

Children and Weddings. Welcome to the mayhem.

Is it our memories that deceive us? Or do we simply want to share with our children the boredom that we went through at weddings when we were children?

I know this sounds harsh, but it’s a reality check for many of us who believe that taking a child to such a sacred ritual is a good idea. Sure, there is the age range to consider. Also, this might be the only time that distant relatives will have a chance to see our precious "Lizzie" and "Atilla." Still, really think about it. Do you want these distant relatives seeing the kids at an event that our son/daughter has been forced to attend? Angels, they will not be.

Okay, I’ll give some allowances when it comes to any child under the age of two years. Besides the stinky diaper that will happen right when the happy couple says, "I do," or the fidgeting one-year-old who decides that they have a better singing voice than the choir and joins in, there’s not much trouble they can get into on their own. Usually, too many people are crowding around them pinching cheeks and crowing in delight over how cute the kids look.

I will also give the nod to those children who are 14 years old and up. In our technology age, these kids are too busy text-messaging to pay any attention of their surroundings. Unless they’re taking a picture of the cute best man so they can download it on their Myspace page, this group will not bother anyone. It’s hard enough to get them to talk.

So, this leaves those kids who are ages 3 to 13. I’m shuddering right now by just thinking about them. Yes, there are the rare, very rare, cases where you’ll find the lady and gentleman inside your precious little ones. Unfortunately, the omen child can rear his/her ugly head the moment a parent turns their back. You want examples? Okay, here you go.

Wedding ceremony number 1: Really, it was the rehearsal the night before. After decorating the church for a client, I stood back watching as the parents and their sweet darlings came through the doors. Immediately, the kids started trashing the joint. Pew bows took to the sky. Candelabra became fencing swords as the tykes danced up and down the aisle. When they spotted the water fountain in the vestibule, the suddenly parched kids carried around small paper cups (I don’t have any idea where they found those) and dribbled water everywhere they walked. During this, the parents were too busy gossiping and chatting on cell phones to reprimand their children. Surprisingly, the adults got angry with me over not doing anything about the kids. I didn’t realize that they had also hired me as a babysitter -- I’m still waiting for that check in the mail.

Wedding ceremony number 2: You will always find that one child who detested coming to the church and has been quite vocal about it. I could hear the little darling as she kicked repeatedly at the pew in front of her, and I lost count over how often the embarrassed mother scolded her during the ceremony. However, to this day, I can remember each responding shout her daughter made.
"This is boring!"
"I want to go home!"
"Why are we here?"
"Didn’t you tell Daddy that the bride is a twit? And what did Daddy mean when he said that the groom couldn’t keep his pants up at the party last night? They’re staying up now."

Wedding ceremony number 3: Ah, the wedding reception. A more relaxed atmosphere from the ceremony itself, this is the time to eat and drink and party to your heart’s content on the wedding couple’s budget. Children are more free to romp and act as children without destroying anything.
Hahahahaha . . . yeah, right.
When the sound of sirens filled the air, everyone rushed outside and saw broken taillights and busted windshields. Why would vandals do such a thing as throwing rocks at cars, especially at the bride and groom’s brand-new SUV given to them as a wedding present?
The frowning police had stared at the shocked guests. Then the lawmen brought forward the so-called vandals, who happened to be the ring bearers and flower girls from the ceremony. Before the reception was over, the bride and groom had recouped much of the money they spent on their budget, with interest.

In conclusion, I’m sure there are many more similar stories (you might even have one) about children at weddings. I have given you only one example -- yes, these all happened at one wedding -- about the mayhem that can appear at a ceremony intended for adults to enjoy.