And that, folks, is that. The end of the "Ten stupid things a kid can (and if the opportunity arises, will) do in their spare time." Ten embarrassing stories involving the boneheaded Homer Simpson-esque D’OH things I did when I was a kid. Some of the stories made me laugh. Some of the stories made me shake my head and go to the nearest church to confess my sins. At least one (or maybe four) made me want to slap my forehead in dread while saying, "Oh girl, how could you?"
I had fun writing it. Hopefully, readers had fun . . . well . . . reading it. So what’s next on the agenda, you may ask. Um, hello? Okay, darn it. I’ll ask!
Hi, Michelle. What is next on your agenda?
Well, Michelle, I thought of maybe starting another "Stupid Things" list.
Uh, Michelle, are you feeling okay? Maybe you slapped yourself a little too hard. I know we could probably come up with another list about the foolish things we did as a kid. But do you really want to reminisce about the other ones? The worst ones?
No, no, Michelle. It will be a different sort of list. This time I’m making it about my writing mistakes, or my mistakes when writing.
Sooooo, you are sick?
Enough with this introspective dillydally! Yes, people, I’m drawing up a list about the mistakes I make when writing. I’m not perfect, and I oh-so-notice-too-quickly-sob-sob that I am not a perfect person. But recognizing my own errors and admitting to them can only make me into a better person. It will be a reminder to strive to be better. Perhaps other people will notice a few faux pas they make and take heart to correct them.
WHAT? MICHELLE WILL BE MAKING POSTS ABOUT WRITING AND NOT ABOUT JUST STORIES?
Hmm . . . maybe I should check my temperature to see if I have a fever . . . later . . . I’ll do it later . . .
So in th next few months you will be seeing a list for "Ten Stupid Writing Mistakes I Make." I haven’t set a date for the list, because summers can be so busy for a person in the wedding/party biz. And I haven’t really decided if I’ll go ahead with it. But if I do, these are the titles that you might see. (If I make the list.)
Number 1: Mental tics, Part 1 - Saying the same thing over again. Saying the same thing over again.
Number 2: To be or not to be . . . in the past tense.
Number 3: Adverbs, adverbs, everywhere and not one of them describes the true action.
Number 4: Switching from lofty mountains to nitty-gritty sewers in mid-stride: killing off your audience with one stone.
Number 5: Stop being the wall flower at the party and come dialogue with me!
Number 6: Mental tics, Part 2 - How often did you use that word in that paragraph? Oh, that is just awful. You need to be hurt for that. Hurt badly because of THAT!
Number 7: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Am I using too many commas in my writing? Tell me the truth. I can take it.
Number 8: Is this a clunky sentence in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Number 9: The other day I came across this sentence and -OMG- you wouldn’t believe how long this thing went on and I was thinking to myself "Why on earth would a person write something this long" because breaking up the sentence could make the writing much clearer but I didn’t want to say anything and get someone mad at me so I kept my mouth shut about the error and now I regret it.
Number 10: Transition. Make it slide, baby, slide!
There you have it. I. Mistakes. Ten. The. Stupid. Make. Writing. Made that into that list which that your you’re you can quickly, easily, slowly, thoughtfully, go throo, oo, ough and saw if you had makes the same mista . . . hey, did I tell you the joke about the parrot and the hunter?
Hey, did I tell you the joke about the parrot and the hunter?
Hee-hee! I had to put a little funny somewhere in this post. Oh, before the thought slips my mind, I want to inform you about how I will be continuing this schedule of posting stories on Sundays and Thursday. But I will also add in Tuesdays. (How long I’ll stick to this schedule will be a crapshoot. I heard my odds in Vegas aren’t looking too good.) In the meantime, I’ll have more amusing stories for you to read while typing at the list whenever I get a free moment. I will also remind you about it when I’m ready to start posting. Don’t worry.
Disclaimer: Just the facts, folks. I’m not a published author. I’m not an agent. I’m not an editor. I am just a writer sharing her thoughts in the hopes that people might catch their own mistakes and fix them. Then you will find your special agent who fandangles a million-dollar publishing contract. Meanwhile, I will sit bitterly in my chair and throw tomatoes at the television as I watch you receive the Pulitzer Prize in Literature without thanking me. And I will take your picture from the mega-bestseller book to train my thirty cats to ATTACK . . . MAIM . . . DESTROY . . . the ingrate. Oh, there is one other thing I want to mention.
The person standing outside your six-level mansion with the hoard of felines at her feet, she is just collecting donations for the local animal shelter. It’s safe to open the door.
The cats won’t bite.