Tuesday, July 15, 2008

In the spotlight

Warning! The following post contains inappropriate subject matter and harsh language which may be disturbing to some people. Reader discretion is advised.

Welcome! Welcome to our show! I am your host, Rekam Elbuort. Today we are interviewing a very special individual. I am here with . . . um? What was your name again, kid? Oh. Right.

I am here with our special guest: The Finished Manuscript! Let us give a big round of applause, folks. Yeah! I am deeply honored to be interviewing you. I have so many eager questions to ask, but I warn you. A few of them may be personal. And, rest assured, a LOT of these questions are embarrassing. But this is Sweeps Month and I have to get a boost in my ratings. So if you brought any provocative photos of celebrities, then I am all for airing them. Hell, show me the sex tapes! You will not believe how horny my audience is. Once, I brought a heroin-shooting ostrich on stage--


Is this microphone working? Good. Sorry about that, folks. We had some technical difficulties and were momentarily taken off the air. Those damn FCC bastards! They are always censoring the humble guys like me. S.O.B’s, the lot of them! Let us say it together, everyone. The FCC are a bunch of PRICKS!

All right, let us move on with the interview. But first, a word from our sponsor.

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We are the growing E.F.C.C.W.D.C: The Empire of the Federal Communications Commission out for World Domination through Censorship.

Huh? What the fuck--


Hello. *sigh* Yes, this is your host Rekam Elbuort. I am back with a whole new concept for my show. You might have noticed my shirt today. It says, I LOVE THE FCC MASTERS! Yes! You are THE MAN, FCC!

Hold on a moment, everyone. I need to deposit something into my wastebasket.*bleech* Sorry about that. I just have a little upset stomach. Onward with the interview before the last of my pride comes up my throat.

Today’s guest: The Finished Manuscript. How are you doing? Yes, that is good. I was wondering how you came about? Was it a dream your writer had? Perhaps something personal happened in her life and she revolved a story around it? Or did you just one day pop into her head, infecting the gray matter to the point where she had to get you out on paper before her sanity cracks and she goes to the local shopping center on a murderous rampage? Oh, all three. Well, weren’t you a busy idea?

Give me a breakdown on the process? Hmm? Was it a foursome between a saintly ream of paper, a sexy pen, a nerdy computer, and the boozed writer? NO, WAIT! Let me rephrase the question before I’m taken off the air again! Was it a peaceful promiscuous collaboration between several individuals to procreate you? Yes? Fascinating! Now what happens to you? The query stage? You mean, the writer will jot down what you are about in a letter to an agent hoping this person with years of experience will represent you toward publishing houses to get the story in the bookstores?

Wow! So, technically, you are not finished so to speak. There is still a lot in the process from the writer’s idea to the reader’s bookshelf. I suppose you need a lot of perseverance in this endeavor. Keep the chin up. Seek the right agent. And most important of all, continue writing! Grow in your abilities! Hone the skills!

*snicker-snicker* Grow your abilities. That is what my hunny bunny yells out whenever we are about to lay down some new carpet in the bedroom, if you know what I'm saying. "GROW YOUR ABILITIES, RAKEM! LET’S SEE IT HONED!"

Oh no! Why did I mention that? The damn FCC is going to pull my plug again. *snicker-snicker* Pull my plu--



  1. The moment you delete something you've written because you're worried about the prudes is the moment you decide to remain obscure.

  2. Truer words have not been spoken...

  3. Is it really that difficult to get something published? Excuse my naivety. I always thought if you had the talent someone could see it, wiping away all the bull**** that comes with the circus of making the fastest and most bucks, and well...have faith in that talent. Do I make sense? Or dollars?

  4. Sandra,

    The process can be a long and arduous one. Imagine: 400,000 books being published. That's 400,000 ideas for stories that have to jockey for attention with these agents. And your story has to be unique enough to carve your piece in the industry. Publishing is also, and will always be, a business. This means the story idea has to resonate with readers who are willing to part with their cash for your story. If the agent doesn't have faith that the story will sell, you get left on the wayside. They have bills to pay and families to take care of also, and their commision comes from a percentage of what your book sold for to publishers.

    Of course, I could be completely wrong on this. I'm still a newbie in this writing world. I'm sure someone else could explain it a whole lot better than I just did.

    All I can do is keep my fingers crossed that I have talent enough for an agent to place a gamble on . . .


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