Dissecting the Fortune Cookie

I love Chinese food. Slide over the steam rice and the soy sauce and I’m one happy camper. The stuff is addictive, and you never really feel full until that special moment where the fork stops inches from your mouth as the stomach suddenly expands before contracting, forcing air through every orifice in ways that I won’t describe here.
And then, there is the fortune cookie.

Those little bite-sized wafers created during the time when Confucius had to deal with contracted stomach air, these dry little morsels signals the end of the meal with a personal message, lucky numbers, and teaching a few Chinese words you won’t ever use during a conversation.

- Chean ju yee. San yue. Shui-guo. Guo tie. Yan-hui. Tai yaon chu lai. Gui. Bu. Ke kou. Hun yao le mow. Hua-jia. Qian xi. Yi sheng. Tung chean -

Translation:

- Please pay attention. March. Fruit. Pot sticker. Banquet. The sun comes out. Expensive. No. Delicious. Very polite painter. Dry cleaning. Doctor. Sympathize -

Yeah, I probably could come up with something if I add a few additional words...

- Please pay attention. In March we had a fruit and pot sticker banquet. Expensive? No. Delicious. I met a very polite painter but threw up on his dry cleaning. My doctor sympathized. -

But really, it’s the fortune that makes the cookie. For some strange reason, I save them. I’m hoping one day they’ll all come true, or won’t for the bad ones. Here’s my list of fortunes (my commentary is in the parentheses).
***
An unexpected bill or financial report will arrive today. (Oh crap!)

Ultimately, the world opens full of meaning before us. ( I sure hope so because this fortune has no meaning.)

Keep your feet on the ground and your thoughts at lofty heights. (Until you run into the tree because you weren’t paying attention to where you were walking.)

A big fortune will descend upon you this year. (I sure hope so because I’m getting a surprise bill today.)

Now is a great time to broaden your scope of influence. (So, I can charm those armored car guards to loan me a bag of money. YES!)

You’ll have all sorts of chances to make a happy encounter. (But it only takes one chance to make a complete ass out of yourself.)

It’s time for you to explore all those new interests. (Like writing fortunes for cookies?)

This is the month that ingenuity stands high on the list. (That’s good since I wouldn’t want it to lie short.)

You need to live authentically and you can’t ignore that. (This isn’t a fortune. This is a blunt statement. You guys are getting demanding)

Conscience is a man’s compass. (Not when they’re visiting a strip club. Believe me; something else is more than dictating their steps.)

Although it feels like a roller coaster now, life will calm down. (Bleeh! Sorry, I was too busy throwing up.)

Great things happen when men and mountains meet. (Only if you remember to tie the safety rope.)

Live out of your imagination instead of out of your memory. (Uh oh! This spells trouble for the Big “M.”)

Watch out for little problems that could get a lot bigger. (Tell me about it. I’m running out of things to say.)

If we are all worms, try to be a glow worm. (Except at night when near a hungry owl.)
***
Yeah, you try figuring some of these fortunes out. As for me, this post has made me hungry. Time to deal with some more hot air.