Sunday, January 3, 2010

Just buy the cow: Blogger Idol Competition: Round 1

We all have our moments when ingenuity takes a backseat to downright stupidity futility. That being said, there comes a time when we have to sit back and say, “What the Hell?”

Er . . . I mean, “We should applaud that person for their efforts!”

The person in question was a young Swedish man by the name of Ragnar Bengtsson. Back in September, he pledged to bust out a breast pump daily in three-hour intervals until December in an effort to produce breast milk.

Let’s all take a moment to comprehend this. Man... breast pump... 4 months straight.

The reason? He was quoted as saying, “Anything that doesn't do any harm is worth trying out, and if it works it could prove very important for men's ability to get much closer to their children at an early stage.”

Um, yeah. Okay. I can almost buy that explanation.

One Swedish endocrinologist said that if this man stuck to his plan, he may be able to produce enough of the hormone prolactin to cause lactation. However, she suggested that perhaps he and other men like him could instead offer their children a breast just for comfort...

"Men often have trouble finding things if the mother is out, the child is screaming, and they can't find the pacifier. I'm sure there are a lot of men who give their baby their breasts.”

Shall I take another moment of silence or just go right into my piece now? Okay. I’ll wait while the image of a mother coming home and finding her baby up at her husband’s chest as he’s watching the show, “Nip/Tuck,” runs through your mind.

Well, that wasn’t a pleasant image. Sorry.

Sufficed to say, he gave up on his . . . experiment . . . last month. All I have to say is, too bad.

Can you imagine what would have happened if this had actually worked? The benefits would be astounding. In one fell swoop, or overflowing breast, this man would have accomplished the unthinkable: World Peace.

No terrorist/dictator would get it into his fool head to invade another country if they had to breast feed their children. Think about that conversation:

Two terrorists sitting at a table diagraming their plans...

“Come, Omar. Let me put this explosive up your butt so you can set it off in the plaza.”
“Not right now, Punji. I’m lactating.”

You see there? It’s a known fact that men cannot concentrate on making plans for world domination, or anything else, when all they have to think about are breasts (and this was true WAY before Ragnar Bengtsson’s efforts). There would also be a drastic dip in violence and crimes nationwide. With men now obligated to lend a “breast” hand in the child-rearing role, such criminal thoughts would never enter their minds.

A robber walking into a bank while holding a gun in one hand and a pump in the other? It would never happen. No way he could slip the bank teller a note.

And if men could breast feed, this would also give women more time to do those important household chores like grocery shopping, driving the older kids to soccer practice, and brain surgery. Of course, I would be careful if the man breast-fed during the football game and decided to spike the baby during a touchdown.

Oh well. A failed endeavor. Maybe another man would like to try a different experiment in an effort to understand women more and the hassles we face during our lives.

I’m all for them having menstruation.


 Make sure to cast your vote at Knucklehead's place. And please stop in at the other people's sites (links are up at Knucklehead) to read their posts and cast your votes. Your Opinion Matters!


  1. A very titillating concept but I doubt if it will catch on - we cannot multi-task.
    Very funny, Michelle ~ Eddie

  2. So, why did Ragnar give up so soon? I mean ONLY 4 months of trying? I was pregnant for longer than that. What a wuss.

  3. Distract men with breasts to acheive world peace. Yes, I believe that would work. Except for angry gay men. They might still cause problems.

  4. lol! Menstruating men... Hahaha! Oh man... I love that he wanted to be closer to his children and all, but I could sure thing of other ways...

  5. There are no words to describe my feelings for Ragnar. Well, there are a few but I probably shouldn't say them here.

  6. Sorry, but I just keep picturing the poor baby with a mouthful of hair! Yuck!

  7. can you imagine the immaturity of a group of lactating men? i mean, they'd run around squirting people with milk. it's a horrendously repulsive thought. so i thought i'd share it...

  8. That's so funny. Yeah, let them menstruate for a couple of months and see how they like it.

  9. That was damn funny. I'm pretty sure you have my vote.

    But on this subject, I had an anatomy teacher who told us he knew a man who breast fed his baby. His wife couldn't for some reason, and he wanted the baby to have actual breast milk, so the guy took some hormones (probably why it worked for him) and successfully breast fed the baby for about six months. Freaky stuff.

  10. You've got my vote -from start to finish. Definitely they should try menstration, then follow that up with labor and childbirth too. My Mom always said the way to get the population under control and very quickly too, would be for men to go through childbirth! And I do so very much agree with that!

  11. Very funny post. So if we add hormones to burgers we would have world peace? Why hasn't anyone thought of this before? You should be elected President.

  12. Thanks everyone! Although the honest truth is I doubt I'll make it past this first round. Stiff competition, and I don't write satire very well... unless it is about myself.

    Oh, and thank you those new people who stopped by and commented!

    *snicker - lactating men squeezing themselves to squirt each other. HA!*

  13. We really enjoyed this Michelle. You've got our vote over at Knuckleheads place. :o)

  14. Nice job on attacking the Knucklehead's blog-off challenge!

    Having read your post, now I'm thinking this fellow should consider starring in a sequel to Mr. Mom. :)

  15. What did you say? I heard "breasts" and lost track of the rest of it.

  16. I think they need to get mammograms before they start attempting to lactate .. just sayin'

  17. Funny stuff, Michelle. GET OUT THE VOTE!!!

    Incidentally, if men really had boobs we'd never leave the house.

  18. between your post and the comments, I'll be laughing until Thursday~!

  19. We'll just start calling Ragnar the Hormonizer, since he's channeling his femininity by being an accommodating lactator and taking one hard for the team. Nips up!

  20. and if them men grew breasts they could keep themselves entertained for weeks at a time!

  21. I did once see a kind-of milk-bag/backpack thingy that hooked up to a boob-like lactator-device, so's men what wanted 'the experience' could sorta/kinda nurse they babies, when the urge struck 'em. . .

    But hey - Ragnar, you da man (which might have somethin' to do with why the experiment din't go so well. . .)

  22. Right. The reason we can always find the pacifier is cause we're the ones with BOOBS.


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