Thursday, October 20, 2011
Spam Folder Modgepodge Story
Well, this was one hell of a situation he found himself in.
It all started when he was trying to get a quote for repairs on his HOT TUB/SPA. The spa technicians were laughing and joking over his ENLARGEMENT PILLS on the nearby sink counter. Hey, even the best bodybuilder guy could use a little more help down there, and he had some pretty hot women judges he had to please to win those titles.
The man went into his bathroom and went to beating 30 years off the spa technicians' lives until both would need to register for AARP MEMBERSHIP and COBRA medical insurance. The man told the technicians that if he found rumors floating around town concerning his "bathroom goodies," he would send MYFUNCARD sympathy notes to the technicians' next of kin.
The man started to get ready for his date that he found on his LINKEDIN UPDATES. She was the hottest judge on the panel for the Male Bodybuilder Of The Universe With The Fattest Ego Competition. She arrived early, talking POLITICS and not about yours truly, so he did his basic "nod your head like you agree with the woman" routine that every man knows well.
He handed her a small jewelery box holding GOLD earrings as she squealed in delight. He sneered, sure he would get some tonight with his pants buddy making her squeal even more. The man told her to wait in the house as he began pulling the car out the driveway to take her to the restaurant.
Wham! The back end of his gas-guzzling hummer rammed into the side of a garbage truck. The man swore a blue streak, pissed over letting his AUTO INSURANCE run out. As the man got out of his hummer to beat up the garbage men, OIL squirted everywhere, drenching the man's pants. The man kept walking forward as the garbage man on the passenger side threw his lit cigarette out the window.
Whoosh! The oil ignited. The man began beating at his pants, hotter than he ever claimed to be in his nether regions. He ran into the house where the woman stood, tapping her foot angrily and pointing at his LAPTOP. She had read his Facebook status about his plan to woo her for the bodybuilder championship trophy. To add insult to injury, he bragged about finding cheap gold-painted earrings on eBay.
The woman picked up the laptop and threw it at the burning man, knocking several TEETH out. The running man stumbled on the laptop cord, falling backward into the bathroom and plunging into the spa.
His last thoughts, as the fire became extinguished yet the plugged-in laptop submerged into the water to send large volts of electrifying electricity into his body, was how much of an INJURY LAWSUIT he could take out on the garbage man and the woman.
The last noise the man heard was the woman laughing at his bathroom goodies.
Every CAPITALIZED word in this story is a spam email I found in my gmail spam folder this morning.