Thursday, May 21, 2009

Color War

Yes, it is that time of year where I go strangle the people who work in the craft store, a.k.a. - Wedding Season. *shudder* There are several things you might not know about when it comes to people who work in the wedding industry.

1: We deal with crazy brides.

Or at least the brides seem to want to have that goal to become the next “Bridezilla.” Really, has anyone ever watched that show? During the one hour’s worth of television time I have during the month, I’ll catch a bit of the program. You can see that some of the women are deliberately being bitches just to get on everyone’s nerves and make the show entertaining. Yet there are the key moments when you realize one or two brides are just . . . “out of kilter.” You can tell by their looks into the camera.

The fake ones will glance at the lens to make sure it’s on them during the planned outburst. The “out of kilter” women will completely forget the camera crew is there. The women mutter to themselves and their eyes dart around in sockets as they go through their conspiracy theories that everyone is trying to ruin their special day. When truly angry, they go silent with their faces turning every shade of the rainbow as they try to hold in the outburst they don’t want the camera crews to see.

I have met “out of kilter” women. The Bridezilla show does not do them true justice.

2: A massive conspiracy is going around involving the colors you will see at the weddings.

This is what I want to talk about at length in this post. The Massive Color Scheme! Sometimes I will have a year where it seems every bridal couple has picked the same color in various shades. Back in 2007, I had the Teal Year. Teal, as you may know, is that really weird dark greenish-blue or blueish-green color depending on your mood. The greenish-blue is what they call “warm teal.” The blueish-green is considered, “cold teal.”

For some reason, I have the urge to drink some tea-l. Um, whoa. I got completely off track with this rant. Where was I? Oh yes, THE MASSIVE COLOR SCHEME CONSPIRACY!

For this one year I had several brides who picked this color. Do you know how hard it is to match teal with everything? Dresses. Ribbons. Flowers. One company will only have the warm teal. Another will have the cold teal. Neither will have enough of what you are looking for to complete whatever project you are trying to make. And when they reorder more for you, they (of course) order the other shade. Here is an example of the mayhem I have to endure.

I walk into the ribbon store looking for teal. I ask the clerk, “Do you have teal ribbon?”

Clerk: “You mean Oasis?”

Me: “O-a-s- what?”

Clerk: “That’s the color the ribbon company calls teal.”

Me: “Wouldn’t it just be easier to call teal, um, teal?”

Clerk: “Look, I just work here.”

Me: “Fine. Can you show me the oasis?”

So we go down the aisle. On a glance to the side, I see the color that I’m looking for . . .

Me: “Oh wait. Here’s the oasis!”

Clerk: “No, that’s forest green.”

Me: “But it looks exactly like the color swatch the bride gave me so I could pick up the right ribbon.”

I pull out the swatch. The clerk turns it around. Stitched on the back of the fabric from the gown store is a tag with the color name, which I hadn’t noticed before: Oasis.

Me: “I never noticed that. I guess you’re right. There is a thing called an oasis.”

Clerk: “Yes, it’s where I’m going on vacation next month to meet my gorgeous cabana boy as I splurge on the money from my husband’s life insurance policy. Anyway, this isn’t oasis. This is teal. The gown company has it wrong.”

Me: “But that’s what I said before. Teal.”

Clerk: “I think you are mistaken, ma’am, and you are being disruptive to the other store customers.”

The only other store customer is the woman throwing a fit on the floor trying to get her audition tape finished so she can send it out to the Bridezilla show.

Clerk: “Ma’am, please leave before I call the police. I’m supposed to be on my lunch break with my husband, and I am sure he has already ordered his iced tea before I added the ‘special sugar’ I made with cleaning products.”

Me: “Call the police. I’m sure they would like to hear about your rendezvous with the cabana boy.”


Another problem I had to endure concerned a different color: aquamarine. Guess how many different names there are for this color, which is just blue that sometimes can have a slight green tint?

Cobalt blue
Peacock blue
Ice blue
Sea foam

Come on now! Sea foam? You have to be kidding me. I imagine this color as being the foam on a pot of boiling water when you cook spaghetti. You know, white with that yellowish tint from the starch. True, I’ve never seen the ocean. But I have to believe that true sea foam would have the same white bubbles with the yellowish tint from all the whale pee.

Anyway, on that last note, I think I’ll stop this rant now. Sigh. I need to get a new line of work.


  1. See, this one of the few benefits of being a man.

    Wedding preparation: Go to the tux rental place.

    "Ya got black?'

    "Yup. What size shoes you wear?"

    "10 1/2"

    "Okay, you can pick it up Friday."

  2. LOL. I had to smother so many laughs at this one. Incidentally, my wife watches that damn Bridezilla show. If I were the groom to any of those women, I'd be booting them to the moon and finding a new bride. I can't believe the crap that those guys put up with. I mean c'mon, the girl isn't THAT hot.

  3. This was a great post, I can imagine how strange a "bride to be" can be.;) It is like they loose sight of what the wedding is really all about.
    I wonder how it is to be working in the wedding industry; do you enjoy your work?

  4. God bless you for working with the brides. Don't think I could pull it off. The foam on the sea around is the kind of white, sandy, muddy, gritty kind of bubbles. No where the nicely tinted pasta water as it pours flowingly over the edge of the pot and into the floor.

  5. Ocean foam in Boston is light brown. I guess all the whales have been drinking too much of that tea that was dumped in the harbor.

  6. Oh, do I feel your pain on this one, Michelle. My school's colors are "Aqua" and Black, and let me tell you, aqua is impossible to match. Our trim, furniture, pens, shirts, everything is a slightly different color.


  7. I've seen the commercials for that show and wondered how much was rigged and how much was just "caught on camera"....lawdy be!

  8. I live in Socal, I've been to the ocean and I've seen the foam. And it's not blue or green. It's like a foamy color. Does that help?! When I get married I'd like the colors of blue jeans and a tasteful t-shirt. Viva Las Vegas! I'm easy and cheap. Thanks for another hilarious post.

  9. endagered coffee: And this is why women make all the decisions for the wedding.

    Eric: I would like to see the follow-up shows on how many of these couples actually stayed together, or if the shows impact ruined any marriages.

    Protege: There are good days and bad days. But the one up side, there is always cake to eat.

    Oren: It's hard, and tiring. An average workday starts at 7am to get to the venue. I'll go to bed at 2am the next day.

    Suldog: Hee-hee! Too bad it's tea. If it were beer, the whales would have been grateful.

    Chris: And the most difficult colors always involve some shade of blue mixed in, or white. I could do an entire post on the many shades of white: vanilla, cream, eggshell, etc...

    Kat: A whole lot of it is rigged (there was one involving a gym teacher and a whistle where she made her bridesmaids get in shape). The only times when you know it isn't rigged is when the bride closes the door because she doesn't want the camera crew to see anything.

    Theresa: Foamy? Well, I'll use my imagination on this one. Rock the blue jeans! I believe the most fun ones are the beach ones because everybody can relax and basically wear casual. Unfortunately, I've never done the beach.

  10. Oh boy, I don't envy you Michelle. I'm sure it's quite the challenge keeping your cool dealing with all the challenges of making everything perfect for a Bridezilla.


  11. R&G: The worst ones aren't the brides who are demanding. The worst ones are the brides who are agreeable at first, liking everything, then do a complete 180 the day before the wedding and aren't satisfied with things they had previously agreed on. Those brides are the headaches.

  12. You need to go for a nice long holiday by the ocean! Then you can study all the shades of aqauamarine while you relax....

  13. I LOVED this post, Michelle. Hilarious!

  14. 2007 was SO the year of teal! It's funny how there are color trends. That is a hilarious story, stupid fancy names.

  15. jinksy: Definitely...

    Brenda: Thanks!

    Natalie: It always happens that way. Don't know why. Those excess names get on my last nerve. Oasis? Who in the world came up with that?

  16. Yes, the best part would be the cake. :)

  17. Joan: It's even better than the food. You can't really mess up a cake. Thanks for stopping by!

  18. Damn, I knew I should have kept my mouth shut about the cabana boy! That'll teach me to discuss mu--I mean, um, I don't even work in a craft shop! You cant prove anything!I meant, ah, urr... Goodbye.

  19. Skyeblu: AHA! I knew it! Your comment has betrayed you...


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