Color War

Yes, it is that time of year where I go strangle the people who work in the craft store, a.k.a. - Wedding Season. *shudder* There are several things you might not know about when it comes to people who work in the wedding industry.

1: We deal with crazy brides.

Or at least the brides seem to want to have that goal to become the next “Bridezilla.” Really, has anyone ever watched that show? During the one hour’s worth of television time I have during the month, I’ll catch a bit of the program. You can see that some of the women are deliberately being bitches just to get on everyone’s nerves and make the show entertaining. Yet there are the key moments when you realize one or two brides are just . . . “out of kilter.” You can tell by their looks into the camera.

The fake ones will glance at the lens to make sure it’s on them during the planned outburst. The “out of kilter” women will completely forget the camera crew is there. The women mutter to themselves and their eyes dart around in sockets as they go through their conspiracy theories that everyone is trying to ruin their special day. When truly angry, they go silent with their faces turning every shade of the rainbow as they try to hold in the outburst they don’t want the camera crews to see.

I have met “out of kilter” women. The Bridezilla show does not do them true justice.

2: A massive conspiracy is going around involving the colors you will see at the weddings.

This is what I want to talk about at length in this post. The Massive Color Scheme! Sometimes I will have a year where it seems every bridal couple has picked the same color in various shades. Back in 2007, I had the Teal Year. Teal, as you may know, is that really weird dark greenish-blue or blueish-green color depending on your mood. The greenish-blue is what they call “warm teal.” The blueish-green is considered, “cold teal.”

For some reason, I have the urge to drink some tea-l. Um, whoa. I got completely off track with this rant. Where was I? Oh yes, THE MASSIVE COLOR SCHEME CONSPIRACY!

For this one year I had several brides who picked this color. Do you know how hard it is to match teal with everything? Dresses. Ribbons. Flowers. One company will only have the warm teal. Another will have the cold teal. Neither will have enough of what you are looking for to complete whatever project you are trying to make. And when they reorder more for you, they (of course) order the other shade. Here is an example of the mayhem I have to endure.

I walk into the ribbon store looking for teal. I ask the clerk, “Do you have teal ribbon?”

Clerk: “You mean Oasis?”

Me: “O-a-s- what?”

Clerk: “That’s the color the ribbon company calls teal.”

Me: “Wouldn’t it just be easier to call teal, um, teal?”

Clerk: “Look, I just work here.”

Me: “Fine. Can you show me the oasis?”

So we go down the aisle. On a glance to the side, I see the color that I’m looking for . . .

Me: “Oh wait. Here’s the oasis!”

Clerk: “No, that’s forest green.”

Me: “But it looks exactly like the color swatch the bride gave me so I could pick up the right ribbon.”

I pull out the swatch. The clerk turns it around. Stitched on the back of the fabric from the gown store is a tag with the color name, which I hadn’t noticed before: Oasis.

Me: “I never noticed that. I guess you’re right. There is a thing called an oasis.”

Clerk: “Yes, it’s where I’m going on vacation next month to meet my gorgeous cabana boy as I splurge on the money from my husband’s life insurance policy. Anyway, this isn’t oasis. This is teal. The gown company has it wrong.”

Me: “But that’s what I said before. Teal.”

Clerk: “I think you are mistaken, ma’am, and you are being disruptive to the other store customers.”

The only other store customer is the woman throwing a fit on the floor trying to get her audition tape finished so she can send it out to the Bridezilla show.

Clerk: “Ma’am, please leave before I call the police. I’m supposed to be on my lunch break with my husband, and I am sure he has already ordered his iced tea before I added the ‘special sugar’ I made with cleaning products.”

Me: “Call the police. I’m sure they would like to hear about your rendezvous with the cabana boy.”

Clerk: “TAKE THE DAMN TEAL AND GET OUT OF HERE!”

Another problem I had to endure concerned a different color: aquamarine. Guess how many different names there are for this color, which is just blue that sometimes can have a slight green tint?

Turquoise
Cobalt blue
Peacock blue
Ice blue
Sea foam

Come on now! Sea foam? You have to be kidding me. I imagine this color as being the foam on a pot of boiling water when you cook spaghetti. You know, white with that yellowish tint from the starch. True, I’ve never seen the ocean. But I have to believe that true sea foam would have the same white bubbles with the yellowish tint from all the whale pee.

Anyway, on that last note, I think I’ll stop this rant now. Sigh. I need to get a new line of work.