I’m sure everyone has come to a point in their life where it just seems they are waiting for something to happen, yet you don’t know what that something is. It’s the in-between time where life slows from one pivotal point to the next, and you bite your nails hoping that when the life-changing event happens, it will be a good thing. You sit there praying that you will make the right decision that will improve things in your life.
I’m in stasis mode right now . . . waiting. I’ve been in it for some time while wondering when the pendulum is going to tilt and I will make my choice. During my wait, I’ve been thinking of all my previous circumstances. I’ve categorized them into three lists: “Decisions I regret making,” “Decisions I am content with,” and “Why couldn’t other people have decided differently?”
The last on my list is the most interesting since it involves someone else creating the pivotal moment beyond anyone else’s control. I have many, as I suspect many of you do, during your youngest days. I’ve gone back, far back, in my memories to all these moments and I scratch my head on what my life would have been like if things had happened differently.
I guess I should jot down those pivotal points, although I won’t say right now which lists these items are placed in (because it would surprise you). They are in chronological order from my earliest times to now.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family
Stopped myself from being a teenage runaway
Having a wild, beer-guzzling night
Dealing with stalkers
Left college without graduating
Involved in a car accident
Someone shot at my head
A victim of credit fraud
A nanny for nephews and nieces
Deciding to become a writer
I thought I would have more pivotal moments. Yet perhaps I am fortunate that I didn’t. I’m not someone who has had the best of situations happen to them, and my luck is the worse anyone could possibly have. I’ll now put down how many of these are in each of my three lists.
Decisions I regretted - 3
Decisions I am content with - 3
Why couldn’t other people have decided differently? - 4
I’m sure everyone can guess which ones are in the last category. And I know everyone could guess which list “Writer” goes into. But you would be surprised (very surprised) on the other things. In fact, I can honestly tell you that if you sat there and decided which events I regretted and which things I’m content with, I would tell you to switch every single one.
Confused? Welcome to my world! Right now I am sitting in stasis mode. Where will I go from here?
Okay, I gotta hear the "got shot at" story.
ReplyDeleteStasis sometimes produces extraordinary results. It can be a time of stock-taking and reflection, and I'm hoping that's the case for you, Michelle. You're young... and folks need a breather like this every once in a while.
ReplyDeleteI believe you're entirely right in your three categories of decisions. It's the "out of your hands" items that seem to be the most problematic, no?
It is amazing where we are now in our lives and who we are based on past events. I don't know the details behind all the events that you listed but because of them or in spite of them, you are a wonderful person and a great writer.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, I gave you an award. If you visit my site I'd be honored if you accepted it.
Chris: I posted it during my first blogging year, but I'm planning on doing a rewrite. My writing style has improved dramatically since then, and I could do a better job explaining it now.
ReplyDeleteFYI: The story also involves kids, drugs, and prostitues (no, I wasn't involved in any of those three - just the shooting itself.)
Buck: It's the "out of your hands" items that seem to be the most problematic, no?
Yes, I completely agree. Those are the times where you wish the most that things could have been different, or other people's decisions could have been better, or wishing you had never been there to be privy to such a situation.
Theresa: Thanks, Theresa. Your words are too kind. I've already blogged about a few of these things before (stalkers & car accident). I'll probably either do rewrites or reposts of them soon.
I'll try to be by your blog soon to pick up the award, but my IE is still acting up and blocking me from visitig other people's sites (and sometimes my own).
When things stand still, maybe you need to change something to spark a change in everything around you? Could be something quite small, but as a rule, change begets change...
ReplyDeleteFunny, Michelle. In many ways, I feel as though I'm in the same boat currently.
ReplyDelete(Hah! Boats! Currents! That's almost a pun!)
Anyway, I feel as though something big is on the horizon, too. I have no idea what that could be - well, at least, I hope it's not major illness - but, yeah, I know the feeling.
Thing is, I've always been able to look back on my life and see that I'm very glad that whatever happened did happen. Many times - perhaps most times - during the midst of the events, I wasn't glad. But, always, I've realized, later on, that I wouldn't be in the happy place I'm now in without the bad times earlier.
Whether that sort of Pollyanna-ness applies to you or not, I hope that whatever is coming for you is wonderful, of course.
Best to you, Michelle as you grapple with this.
ReplyDeleteSometimes life is confusing we don't know if we should straddle the fence or merely jump to the left or right to keep from falling.
hugs
jinksy: Interesting you should say that. The one thing I believe in from the depths of my soul is "change." Almost the meaning of life thing for me...
ReplyDeleteSuldog: You’re an amazing optimist. Or rather you’ve found true contentment, like how the man sitting on the mountain finds true enlightenment.
I’m neither smart, hopeful, nor adapt at mountain-climbing as you. This isn’t to say that I’m a pessimist. I’m not a person who sees the glass half-full or half empty. I look at it as an opportunity to get another refill of strength to handle the good and bad. Maybe that’s what I’m looking for during my stasis mode – my refill moment.
Kim: Yes, jumping left or right is such a hard decision, perhaps because sometimes we don't have all the information we need on deciding which fence side we want to be on. I guess I'll just make the best leap of faith. Hugs!
Hi Michelle, gosh, even your list reads like a book. You sure have enough to write about.
ReplyDeleteOkay, for some reason in the last couple of days two rather philosophical statements came to my attention:
- if you want something, you have to let it go and it will come to you,
- being happy is a choice you make.
I hope you are happy and that something good will come to you very soon.
A big hug,
Carolina
Carolina: I sure do hope happiness does come soon. I think it's the one choice that's still missing.
ReplyDeleteHow do you managed to get stalked, involved in a car accident, shot at, and be a victim of credit fraud all in one lifetime? You must have been pretty darn evil in your last one because that is some seriously bad karma :))
ReplyDeleteSkyeblu: You hit the nail on the head of how I felt for my entire life. I must have been one mean son-of-a-gun in a past life. I'm just waiting for what else is in store for me, or whether if I'm doing enough good to start having good things happen.
ReplyDelete