Monday, August 17, 2009

Doomsday Cometh Sept. 24, 2009

Bye, bye, Miss American Pie
drove the Chevy to the levee
but the levee was dry.
Them good ol' boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
singing, “This will be the day that I die,
This will be the day that I die.”

‘American Pie’ by Don Mclean

Soon, Pennsylvania (along with Cleveland) will be wiped off the map as the second state to enter the Union. All of the people living here will have two paths to take: one where harps and angel wings await them, or the other where red-hot pitchforks poke them and Devo music plays nonstop for all eternity.

So long, cruel world . . .

On September 24 and 25, Pennsylvania (and Cleveland - since they are our hated sports rivals and we’ll be damned if we ain’t gonna take those suckers with us when we’re gone) will be struck with an epidemic of statewide proportions. The name of this epidemic is, “Governmenclorofinassititis Foreignucleodisentary.” Or in laymen’s terms, the dreaded “G-20 Summit.”


Yes, folks. It seems as if Pennsylvania has been blessed with hosting the G-20 Summit in good ol', economically depressed, Pittsburgh. At this same token, all casinos in the area have officially been granted full operation privileges and are now open for business after years of planning failures and drag-down-knock-out fights with legislation over senseless laws forbidding us from openly peeing in the water.

Hey, there ARE three rivers. There’s enough bank space for everyone.

Despite the cheering from all strip clubs and the vast migration of cheap hookers waiting to greet the dignitaries, our days of living in Pennsylvania are numbered. With the G-20 summit held at the City of Bridges, this will be the most opportune time for disgruntled third world countries and terrorist groups to send in the nukes. They will wipe out this beautiful state before we can enjoy our biggest holiday event - Hunting Season.

*You think that last line was a joke? They have started running radio commercials telling everyone to stock up on firearms for all our hunting needs. There is not one back-to-school commercial.*

So, how did this fair state come to be granted the privilege of hosting such a global event? Four reasons:

1: Our government and the foreign leaders love sports.
2: The Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl this year.
3: The Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup this year.
4: We’ve pledged to drown the Pittsburgh Pirates in our pee, er, I mean in the rivers if they ever peaked at a 17-year losing streak. Guess what? This is the seventeenth year.


That’s right. Because all the other sports teams were such namby-pamby daisy pickers who don’t know a football field from a hockey rink, we ended up winning both championships. And since it looks like we’ll do the same thing again next year, disgruntled factions have planned on blowing up this state. The fact that the global leaders are meeting here is just an added bonus. I hear our biggest threat will come from a country with illegal ties to the black-market and the South American drug cartels (along with the crooked bookies in Las Vegas). So where is this unholy place of terror and desolation who is stockpiling the nuclear warheads?



Our End is Nigh! No, don’t say you won’t get hit by the nukes since you don’t live in southwestern Pennsylvania. With the radiation fallout, you will be subject to an even more horrible, pain-filled death than if you lived at ground zero. And if you live in Philadelphia, this fallout will probably have the distinct aroma of cheese steak farts, which means you won’t even realize the flesh is peeling off your bones - not that this isn’t an everyday event anyway whenever a person enters a cheese steak shop.

Bye, Pennsylvania. It was nice knowing you. Now if everyone will excuse me, I need to head on down to the riverbank.

Let’s head on down to the riverbank
with beers in hand as we get tanked.
We’ll look at those starry skies
while pulling down our zipper flies.
Outward comes our yellow streams
relieving us of bloated dreams.
Let’s head on down to the riverbank
with our cheap hoes so we get spanked.

‘Requiem of a Pittsburgh Pirate/G-20 Summit Pledge song’
by Michelle Hickman

Top photo courtesy of
Bottom photo I found on my laptop - so I can't credit anyone.


  1. Hey!

    Detroit may be a third-world country run on drugs, violence and corruption, but, dammit, they're OUR third-world country run on drugs, violence and corruption. . .

    Besides, the way I figure it, the Penguins just set up the best 2-of-3 Stanley Cup series (and that doesn't even count the other three Stanleys Detroit has won in the past dozen years). . . See ya next year. . .

    And I won't get all up-in-yer-grill about the Tigers. Or the Pistons (oh wait; Pittsburgh doesn't HAVE an NBA team, does it? . . .)

    But you can just shut up about the Lions. . .

  2. You are magnificently warped. That's why I love you, of course, so don't get well anytime soon, please.

  3. Desmond: *Snort* Man, what are you smoking? Detroit had lucked out last year because the Penguins had Marion Hossa playing. Then they handed him off to Detroit and see what happened... they LOST! And he was Detroit's best shot next year. Ain't no way we'll be seeing them again this year, unless it is in an old car commercial.

    Tigers? Pistons? NBA? A bunch of men in women's tennis outfits bouncing their balls. If I wanted to see that, I'd watch some porn...

    (Of course, you realize I'm having fun with this and in no way am I trying to be mean or serious. But I digress...)

    Lions? Did something meow? Oh, look! It's a tiny cutesy kitten with it's claws clipped and can't threaten anyone. It must have come from Detroit.

    (Again, purely in jest.)

    Suldog: So, I should cancel that upcoming doctor's appointment? Done! Whew! And hey, what's not to love?

  4. Whew! Hope all of us out here is Socal won't be able to smell the cheese steak farts. Good luck with the G-20. At least you'll be able to go gamble a little.

  5. Help! You're making me feel like I ought to start ducking.

    I saw the Holiday Inn Express on the South Side has been taken over by functionaries from the Chinese delegation.

    I think we handle one of the lesser powerhouses, like maybe G-18 or G-19, out here in Latrobe.

    I wanna make a buck or two off of this thing!

  6. Detroit.


    Heh. Desmond's been there and done that and besides, you know from whence I come. You got lucky this year, Michelle... admit it. It took you seven games and you won that last one by a single solitary goal. Yet... a win is a win and I know where the Cup is spending the summer. But next year?

    Heh. Lord Stanley's Cup will spend a goodly portion of the summer of 2010 in Michigan... and Sweden.

    (and you KNOW this is all in good fun, as you put it. So well.)

    Nice piece, btw!!

  7. Theresa: Sorry to disappoint you gal, but what do you think Socal's smog is made of? Yup, Philly cheese steak farts blown in over the city. I know... it's depressing. :-)

    Chris R: Holy Crap! Are you saying I have a third Chris popping here? Wow! Anyhow, on with this comment.

    I saw the Holiday Inn Express on the South Side has been taken over by functionaries from the Chinese delegation.

    Why am I not surprised? And hey, Latrobe people shouldn't be getting greedy now! You've had the Pittsburgh Steelers in training camp at Saint Vincent every year. That amounts to something more than boring dignitaries. You should have gone up there last Friday to make a buck. Big Ben was signing everything. You could have resold the merchandise on Ebay.

    Buck: Now how can a humble Pittsburgh Penguin's fan come to have TWO Redwings people visting her blog. Er... wait... Que Sarah is also a Detroit fan. DAGNABIT!

    Hee-hee... I heard a rumor that SOMEONE in the Detroit organization went water-skiing with the Stanley Cup last year. Supposedly, he dropped it and the waves sank it to the bottom of the lake. It took a full day of skin-diving to retrieve it.

    Heh. Lord Stanley's Cup will spend a goodly portion of the summer of 2010 in Michigan... and Sweden.

    Always keep the hope alive... but come playing time is when we find out.

    GO PENS!

  8. Hossa was our 'best shot for next year'?

    Ummmm. . . I don't think so. . . We'll still see ya next year. . .

    And listen, if NBA players are just bouncing their balls while wearing women's clothing. . . well, those are some pretty big balls they're bouncing. Just sayin'. . . (so yeah. . . maybe the whole 'porn' angle has merit, after all. . .)

    And listen. . . I told you to just shut up about the Lions. . .


  9. Desmond: Oh, please! Someone get this man a cold compress. He's gone delirious!

    Take it easy. Say to yourself, "The Penguins are the better team and I must accept it." Believe me; you'll feel a lot better.

    Hmm... you know, I probably gave those NBA players a compliment rather than an insult in my last comment. Oh well...

    btw: MEOW! ;-)

  10. gees, almost makes me glad to be from the other end of the state that's been overrun by noo yawkuhs and jerseyites. seriously, this part of the sate only LOOKS like PA, the infestation is so great. gads, the come wearing giants jerseys and rooting for the damned yankees, mocking the phillies and loathing the eagles (but seriously guys, michael vick? wtf????).

    don't even start me on the casino BS. ok, ok, so as one who grew up in SE PA where philly influence was heavy i almost split a gut laughing at your cheese steak fart comment.

  11. Lime: noo yawkuhs and jerseyites rooting for their teams? Throw da bums out!

    Truly, there was a time in my life when I believed Pennsylvania stopped at the Laurel mountains and the sea was on the other side. I thought Philly and New Jersey were islands in the Atlantic ocean.

    See, even people in SE PA gotta love anything about cheese steaks.

  12. Remind me not to swim in your rivers...if there's anything left after the bombing that is.

  13. Skyeblu: There is a guy who has actually threatened to bomb Pittsburgh. They've shut down the city for the day, and protestors are already scheduled to throw bricks at windows for a point system. Yikes!


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