Doomsday Cometh Sept. 24, 2009

Bye, bye, Miss American Pie
drove the Chevy to the levee
but the levee was dry.
Them good ol' boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
singing, “This will be the day that I die,
This will be the day that I die.”

‘American Pie’ by Don Mclean

Soon, Pennsylvania (along with Cleveland) will be wiped off the map as the second state to enter the Union. All of the people living here will have two paths to take: one where harps and angel wings await them, or the other where red-hot pitchforks poke them and Devo music plays nonstop for all eternity.

So long, cruel world . . .

On September 24 and 25, Pennsylvania (and Cleveland - since they are our hated sports rivals and we’ll be damned if we ain’t gonna take those suckers with us when we’re gone) will be struck with an epidemic of statewide proportions. The name of this epidemic is, “Governmenclorofinassititis Foreignucleodisentary.” Or in laymen’s terms, the dreaded “G-20 Summit.”

SCREAM!

Yes, folks. It seems as if Pennsylvania has been blessed with hosting the G-20 Summit in good ol', economically depressed, Pittsburgh. At this same token, all casinos in the area have officially been granted full operation privileges and are now open for business after years of planning failures and drag-down-knock-out fights with legislation over senseless laws forbidding us from openly peeing in the water.

Hey, there ARE three rivers. There’s enough bank space for everyone.

Despite the cheering from all strip clubs and the vast migration of cheap hookers waiting to greet the dignitaries, our days of living in Pennsylvania are numbered. With the G-20 summit held at the City of Bridges, this will be the most opportune time for disgruntled third world countries and terrorist groups to send in the nukes. They will wipe out this beautiful state before we can enjoy our biggest holiday event - Hunting Season.

*You think that last line was a joke? They have started running radio commercials telling everyone to stock up on firearms for all our hunting needs. There is not one back-to-school commercial.*

So, how did this fair state come to be granted the privilege of hosting such a global event? Four reasons:

1: Our government and the foreign leaders love sports.
2: The Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl this year.
3: The Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup this year.
4: We’ve pledged to drown the Pittsburgh Pirates in our pee, er, I mean in the rivers if they ever peaked at a 17-year losing streak. Guess what? This is the seventeenth year.

*glub-glub-glub*

That’s right. Because all the other sports teams were such namby-pamby daisy pickers who don’t know a football field from a hockey rink, we ended up winning both championships. And since it looks like we’ll do the same thing again next year, disgruntled factions have planned on blowing up this state. The fact that the global leaders are meeting here is just an added bonus. I hear our biggest threat will come from a country with illegal ties to the black-market and the South American drug cartels (along with the crooked bookies in Las Vegas). So where is this unholy place of terror and desolation who is stockpiling the nuclear warheads?

Detroit.

SCREAM!

Our End is Nigh! No, don’t say you won’t get hit by the nukes since you don’t live in southwestern Pennsylvania. With the radiation fallout, you will be subject to an even more horrible, pain-filled death than if you lived at ground zero. And if you live in Philadelphia, this fallout will probably have the distinct aroma of cheese steak farts, which means you won’t even realize the flesh is peeling off your bones - not that this isn’t an everyday event anyway whenever a person enters a cheese steak shop.

Bye, Pennsylvania. It was nice knowing you. Now if everyone will excuse me, I need to head on down to the riverbank.



Let’s head on down to the riverbank
with beers in hand as we get tanked.
We’ll look at those starry skies
while pulling down our zipper flies.
Outward comes our yellow streams
relieving us of bloated dreams.
Let’s head on down to the riverbank
with our cheap hoes so we get spanked.

‘Requiem of a Pittsburgh Pirate/G-20 Summit Pledge song’
by Michelle Hickman



Top photo courtesy of wikipedia.org
Bottom photo I found on my laptop - so I can't credit anyone.