Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A Day in the Life
Let me set the scene: I’ve stepped out the shower, toweled off, and slipped into my clothes. I’m standing before the mirror getting my makeup and hair ready.
Regular me: “I hope the downstairs tenant has stopped playing his stupid games and grown up. Only an egotistic child with very low self-esteem will act the way he’s acted, punching the wall while shouting threats and doing criminal mischief. A responsible adult would have calmly approached me and talked about the problem as we both would figure out ways to alleviate the issue for everyone, perhaps even having the landlord involved if it is a structural problem.”
mental me: We should go out and buy large cymbals. Pretend we’re one of those windup monkey toys and clap them around while stomping on the floor with large, heavy boots. Maybe he’ll keel over from noise overload.
Regular me: “I’ve got an 8-hour workday to get through. Then I’ll come home and do some writing. I need to submit those articles before the deadline.”
mental me: What’s that sticking out the side of our head?
Regular me: “What IS that? Dandruff? I use Head N’ Shoulders.”
mental me: OH MY GOD! It’s a gray hair! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
Regular me: “Oh, it’s one silver hair. Looks fetching.”
mental me: Fetching? Newsflash! It’s a GRAY HAIR. Kill it before it spreads like a cockroach!
Regular me: “It’s silver and it’s only one. Besides, hair is dead except at the root.”
mental me: Pull it out!
Regular me: “I can’t pull it out. They say if you pull out one gray hair then five more will grow in its place. Let’s just leave it. The hair will fall out on its own.”
mental me: Who’s “they?”
Regular me: “Um, yanno, THEY. They’re the same people who say to always smell the week-old meat in the fridge to make sure it’s still edible.”
mental me: Oh, those mysterious THEY everyone talks about when trying to make a point off the top of their heads but need imaginary backup support for their idea. Right?
Regular me: “Uhhh . . .”
mental me: For all you know, THEY could be alien factions infiltrating our society giving bad advice so that stupid humanity will kill itself off by allowing alien slug babies disguised as GRAY HAIR feed on their living hosts. I bet THEY also are the same people who claim our tax dollars go to special state programs that will help with our daily lives. Damn those gray alien slug babies!
Regular me: “No, the government claims our tax dollars go to those programs.”
mental me: Right! And whoever believes THEM?!? But you’re willing to ignore your own lying politicians and side with the lying gray aliens, you traitor to humanity!
Regular me: “Last time I checked, you’re just a mental figment of my imagination to create an interesting blog post today. You are a part of me.”
mental me: I CLAIM NO AFFILIATION TO THIS TRAITOROUS GRAY SLUG BABY LOVER! I AM AN UNWILLING CAPTIVE TRAPPED WITHIN A BONY STRUCTURE INSIDE HER HEAD! HELP ME!
Regular me: “Well, I’m done primping and I don’t even see the gray hair anymore. We’re ready to go to work.”
mental me: Let’s leave early. We need to stop at the music store and buy some cymbals.