Let me set the scene: I’ve stepped out the shower, toweled off, and slipped into my clothes. I’m standing before the mirror getting my makeup and hair ready.
Regular me: “I hope the downstairs tenant has stopped playing his stupid games and grown up. Only an egotistic child with very low self-esteem will act the way he’s acted, punching the wall while shouting threats and doing criminal mischief. A responsible adult would have calmly approached me and talked about the problem as we both would figure out ways to alleviate the issue for everyone, perhaps even having the landlord involved if it is a structural problem.”
mental me: We should go out and buy large cymbals. Pretend we’re one of those windup monkey toys and clap them around while stomping on the floor with large, heavy boots. Maybe he’ll keel over from noise overload.
Regular me: “I’ve got an 8-hour workday to get through. Then I’ll come home and do some writing. I need to submit those articles before the deadline.”
mental me: What’s that sticking out the side of our head?
Regular me: “What IS that? Dandruff? I use Head N’ Shoulders.”
mental me: OH MY GOD! It’s a gray hair! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
Regular me: “Oh, it’s one silver hair. Looks fetching.”
mental me: Fetching? Newsflash! It’s a GRAY HAIR. Kill it before it spreads like a cockroach!
Regular me: “It’s silver and it’s only one. Besides, hair is dead except at the root.”
mental me: Pull it out!
Regular me: “I can’t pull it out. They say if you pull out one gray hair then five more will grow in its place. Let’s just leave it. The hair will fall out on its own.”
mental me: Who’s “they?”
Regular me: “Um, yanno, THEY. They’re the same people who say to always smell the week-old meat in the fridge to make sure it’s still edible.”
mental me: Oh, those mysterious THEY everyone talks about when trying to make a point off the top of their heads but need imaginary backup support for their idea. Right?
Regular me: “Uhhh . . .”
mental me: For all you know, THEY could be alien factions infiltrating our society giving bad advice so that stupid humanity will kill itself off by allowing alien slug babies disguised as GRAY HAIR feed on their living hosts. I bet THEY also are the same people who claim our tax dollars go to special state programs that will help with our daily lives. Damn those gray alien slug babies!
Regular me: “No, the government claims our tax dollars go to those programs.”
mental me: Right! And whoever believes THEM?!? But you’re willing to ignore your own lying politicians and side with the lying gray aliens, you traitor to humanity!
Regular me: “Last time I checked, you’re just a mental figment of my imagination to create an interesting blog post today. You are a part of me.”
mental me: I CLAIM NO AFFILIATION TO THIS TRAITOROUS GRAY SLUG BABY LOVER! I AM AN UNWILLING CAPTIVE TRAPPED WITHIN A BONY STRUCTURE INSIDE HER HEAD! HELP ME!
Regular me: “Well, I’m done primping and I don’t even see the gray hair anymore. We’re ready to go to work.”
mental me: Let’s leave early. We need to stop at the music store and buy some cymbals.
It just makes you look more distinguished, anyway. . . ;)
ReplyDeletemental me to Craig: I never realized the gray alien slug babies have infiltrated the blogosphere. We're all doomed now...
ReplyDeleteYou stepped out of the shower, toweled off...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. You said something after that?
Well, yes, actually, you did. And funny it was, too!
ReplyDeleteI can't remember when I only had ONE gray.
ReplyDeleteSuldog:
ReplyDeleteRegular me: Yes, please pay attention. There's more to the post.
mental me: It'll cost you ten dollars for the peep show.
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Urban Cowboy: Gray hair? You? You don't look a day over thirty-five. Then again, neither do I and I'm sprouting gray hairs like cockroaches. Um, that comment didn't help any, did it?
Oh, Michelle!!! You are hilarious!! So incredibly creative and gifted...will you give me an autographed copy of your first book? Love, love, loved this!! ~Janine XOXO
ReplyDeleteJanine: Why I sure will! It'd be my pleasure to sign a book for you, once I get published :)
ReplyDeleteI have a mental me like that as well! Good thing my brain filters it out before it gets to my mouth! :)
ReplyDeleteOh and...one gray hair isn't that bad :)
ReplyDeleteAs usual, your writing is fresh, your perspective unique (and in this case, excellently funny) AND provides a window into your daily life. And as always, THANK YOU.
ReplyDeleteDangit, Suldog beat me to it.
ReplyDeleteSo instead of a toweling-off image, we get the picture of the back of your head? What a gyp!
As for the gray hair, get used to it. Whether you pull it or not, there will be more.
Aubrie: I've had gray hairs back in my early twenties. Don't now why the mental me is freaking out about it now :)
ReplyDelete*************
Angela: I had to get some laughs in with this post. That's my normal nature around here, despite the blog title (shh-don't let out the secret I'm not surly)!
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Eric: Yes, you get the photo of the back of my head. Deal with it. MWAHAHAHAHA!
And for that gray hair comment, it will cost you double for what I'm going to charge Suldog in my response to him above. Double MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Okay, first of all, on behalf of myself and my follically-challenged brethren, people who complain about the COLOR of their hair are the worst sort of braggarts.
ReplyDeleteAnd secondly, Gray Alien Slug Babies would be an outstanding name for a rock band.
Knucklehead: Actually, Gray Alien Slug Babies would make an excellent name for an alcoholic drink.
ReplyDelete1 slosh Jack Daniels
1 slosh Barbadian White Rum
1 slosh Jose Cuervo Tequilla
1 slosh Godiva Chocolate Liqueur
Mix well
Send medical bill to knucklehead.
Very funny read. Looking forward to more. Speaking of grays....I'm secretly hoping I won't care the slightest bit about them. Wish me luck!
ReplyDeletewww.a-pen-in-neverland.blogspot.com
You are too funny (see me still grinning?), but spookily too close to the conversations - well mostly arguements, actually - I have several times daily, with the gremlin in my brain..
ReplyDeleteHowever, the gremlin and me do agree on one thing today - cymbals, yeaaah, go for it!! oh, and baby, you're not going grey - nahh, you are simply turning platnum blond, is all!
A pen in neverland: Really, I don't care about the grays. It's why I never pluck them out. I think it makes me look distinguished and wise, and nobody messes with people who like that. :-)
ReplyDelete**********************
Shrinky: Platinum blond? That sounds so cool!(she says in complete denial of her age.)
This really gave us a good laugh Michelle. You are so totally creative !
ReplyDeleteembrace the grey like i have! ok, so i am lazy. but now it's a crusade!
ReplyDeleteoh and i'll bring my maracas and tambourine and other percussion instruments if i ever come visit.