Friday, May 1, 2009

Hello, my name is Michelle Hickman . . .

. . . and I have a drinking problem. I would like to say it came upon me unexpectedly. I would like to blame others for my problems. I would like to sue the companies for providing the product as their corporate executives gloated while stuffing millions of dollars in their speedos thinking their hugeness will impress the native girls while they vacation on tropical islands.

But I would be lying.

My feet strolled to the refrigerator. My hand poured the liquid into the glass. My mouth took the drink, as my mind never realized one gulp turned into four swallows as I stared sadly at the glass thinking it had sprung a leak. So I went back to the refrigerator for a refill.

Over and over and over and over and over again . . .

How could anyone deny the taste? So sweet, it brushes the lips. So tart, it lurks on the back of my tongue tantalizing taste buds and lingering in its goodbyes as it slips down my throat. And the little surprise droplet, lurking at the corners of my lips, trying to skirt my seeking fingers as it makes a run across my chin seeking refuge along my shirt collar.

Don’t think twice that I would not suck it out the fabric. I have done so. I SAID I HAD DONE SO! WHY CAN I NOT TAKE PRIDE IN THAT? I SHOULD TAKE PRIDE IN THOSE THINGS I ENJOY AND INDULGE IN!

No, I can’t. Look upon those who overindulge in their cravings. Look at the pain in their eyes wishing for the willpower to stop. The desperateness in shaking hands as their bodies become wasted because their obsessions have taken over their entire lives. The fetid breath wafting from bloated stomachs as they sink to the floor wanting an end and never realizing they have always had that power to stop - if only they would admit to their addictions.

Hello, my name is Michelle Hickman and I have a drinking problem. I need to stop. I need to slow down. I need another drink because the doctors have convinced me that a glass a day is good for the body. Then, to protect themselves from impending malpractice lawsuits, the doctors make a disclaimer to always drink in moderation.

My name is Michelle, and I am addicted to DOLE STRAWBERRY KIWI JUICE.

*shaky sigh*

The first step in quittin’ is admittin’. And I will stop this post now, because my glass is empty again.


  1. Somehow I knew it was going this way, but I couldn't help reading through it all anyway. Hilarious post, Michelle. Ironically, I'm trying to work through alcoholism with a MC, something I have no experience with. Its not fun or easy.

  2. Feels pretty good to get that off your chest huh. This is really some good juice. Kinda hooked on BR water here. It is good for what ails ya.

  3. Oops! HAHA! This was supposed to be for Tuesday's post, but I forgot to reset the date. Oh, well.

    Eric: This was an experiment, actually. I wanted to try truth in fiction.

    Oren: The burden has been lifted. I feel cleansed.

  4. You'll have to take it slow. I'd say you'd be well served to just ease up a little, then switch to fruit punch. It's the kiwi that gets ya.

  5. I just enjoy your writing style so much. Funny, funny stuff. Thanks for the laugh. I'm off the hard only.

  6. Ah well done. I suspected as much. It kind of reminds me of my neighbour's drinking habit...

  7. Angie: You're encouraging me? Tsk-tsk! :-)

    Chris: The kiwi! Such an innocent looking fruit hiding evil deliciousness inside! Bad kiwi. BAD!

    Theresa: Good for you for kicking the hard stuff! It packs quite a doozy. Hmm, I wonder if they have come up with diet strawberry and kiwi? ARRGH!

    Hilary: Oh, that neighbor just looks like a born drinker! Look at those chubby cheeks and the glossy eyes!

  8. Hehe, I think we all have those small secret addictions.;))
    Mine is chocolate.;))
    But I think yours is a much healthier one.;))

  9. Ah... drinking problems. The only drinking problem I have is when the beer supply runs low... it's such a pain to have to drive all the way out to the base (coz the local purveyor's selection is just SO linited, yanno?)... ;-)But I make do. As do we all, I'm thinking.

  10. Michelle, I can always count on you to provoke thought or give me a good laugh.

    The latter in this case, of course.

  11. I staked my sanity on your normalcy, and now you tell me that you're losing it! This is NOT good news.

  12. Protege: I beg to differ. I've heard good things from doctors concerning chocolate. Hmm... choclate-covered strawberry kiwi juice. Naw. I'm not even that crazy. :)

    Buck: True. We make do with those things that make us happy.

    Buckskins: Hey, everybody needs a good laugh. It's good for the body and the soul.

    Snowbrush: Normalcy? Here? You are soooo at the wrong place.

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  14. "Snowbrush: Normalcy? Here? You are soooo at the wrong place."

    Well, NOW you tell me. AFTER I've committed my sanity to YOU, you tell me you're insane!

  15. I too share your drinking problem. Unfortunately mine is an unhealthy one. . .Diet Coke.

    Thanks for the laughs Michelle.

  16. Suzie Orman: Wow! My first spam comment without even a Hello! I'm moving on up!

    Snowbrush: But two insanities cancel each other out, leaving us sane and the world mad. Beleive me; you'll do okay.

    Ruth and Glen: You're welcome for the laughs. Diet Coke! You do know that's a hard illiegal drug your drinking. Take it slow.

  17. Michelle, maybe you should join a Dole juice-aholic support group. :)

  18. How do they get the juice out of those little birds?

  19. Brenda: I'm not sure they would even take me. I might be too far gone.

    Suldog: I just had the image of a man in one of those safari hats scooping a kiwi into a net and then squeezing. AHHH! I don't think I can drink anymore.

    Um, thanks! You beat the addiction.


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