Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Truth? You want the Truth? You can’t handle the Truth!

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. That’s the only line from the movie I know, and the really odd thing is that I never even watched it.

Anyway, in case you are wondering about the nature of this post, Cat Lady Larew bequeathed me with an award several days ago. But for me to get this award, I had to follow several rules - one being that I had to tell 6 outrageous lies and 1 truth, or vice versa, or as close of a facsimile as possible.

Let me go through the list, tell you what is what, and then share with you a bit of interesting information that happened recently.

1: I was a stripper in a bar owned by a fishmonger. I worked for scales, had nightly fish fries, and made $1000 when a rich guy asked for me to give him a bone and I handed him a cod skeleton. He laughed at the joke.

Naw. That never happened. I’ve never even met a fishmonger before. I did once go fishing, and I swear I might have run into mongers in my life. But I’ve never met both at once. This isn’t true in the least little bit.

2: During my childhood on the farm, I once bit a cow on the ear for stepping on my shoelace. He bolted away, tripped, and went head over tail into the nearby pond - scaring the ducks. One duck went scrambling away, running beak first into the backside of a pig. The pig squealed in pained surprise and went scrambling into the barn to hide.

Although we raised cows and pigs, we had no ducks and no ponds. And I would no more bite a cow on the ear than kiss a pig. So it’s true we raised livestock, but no biting was allowed.

3: I am a skilled woodworker. My greatest creation is a life-sized replica (in redwood) of Al Gore with a skunk on his head.

I was good at wood shop in junior high, but I’ve never done sculptures in wood. I doubt I could give the needed effect of the perching skunk. Al Gore on the other hand . . . no. Not true.

4: I was once offered money to pose in a naked photo shoot, but was given the boot when I had to admit that my breasts were real. The sponsor for the shoot was a cosmetic surgeon advocating silicon implants.

I wish! Er, um, no. Never happened. Wouldn’t dream of it happening. And if you ever do find photos, I’ll just claim that someone used Photoshop to stick my head on that nude body. So I’ll say it’s not true right now and plead The Fifth later during the Supreme Court Hearing.

5: I was almost arrested for public intoxication but was able to talk myself out of being taken to jail by betting the officer that the next person who drove by would be even more intoxicated than me, have a warrant out for his arrest, and will drive his car into a tree. I walked away a free girl that night.

I rarely drink alcohol and was never arrested for anything. I did talk with several police officers, yesterday in fact, concerning certain unwanted living arrangements which I’ll speak of later in this post.

6: The neighborhood kids and myself would go swimming in dirty toilet water runoff in a nearby creek as we would go fishing for crawdaddies. We figured if deer can drink the water without killing over than we were safe.

This is SO . . . true. My next-door neighbors had a creek running along the border of their property. The dirty toilet water runoff is actually from septic tanks and wastewater drains. It’s rather a long and involved explanation so I’ll just let you read the Wiki page if you’re interested in this stuff. Anyway, this creek was one of the places the drains led to, or so our parents claimed. We figured they just didn’t want us playing in it to get our clothes wet. Also the water did have crawdaddies while all sorts of wildlife frolicked and played and drank there.

7: When 15-years-old, I ran away from home and into the midst of a big-time drug dealer. Instead of taking advantage of me in such a situation, he drove me home convincing me that life wasn’t so bad in such a loving family environment that I had.

Hm. Well, it’s almost true. I did try to run away from home when I was sixteen. But my brother had talked me out of it. I’ve met a big-time drug dealer yet only when I was 19. He was also working as a tattoo artist and gave me this on my leg. As for anyone convincing me I had a loving family environment, you’ll just have to wait until I finish writing The Big M (as well as getting an agent/publisher) to find out about that.

So here’s my list. The truths. The fibs. And everything in-between. As for the reference in #5, many of you already read of those developments. You also might have noticed a few missing previous posts.

No, those weren’t fibs. Everything I told you actually happened. But then I got into thinking about how much exposure I was giving them at this blog. Their 15 seconds of fame/infamy shouldn’t have lasted for so many days. I’ve never posted that much about my daily life in one large info dump. I’m not giving people whom I despise this much publicity. If my readers want to know the remaining details, feel free to email me and I’ll tell you everything (or a close online friend can tell you the details, if he so desires at a later time). Otherwise, I’m sticking with what this blog is about. And that’s, um, well, give me some time to figure it out. Or maybe I’ll just make up an excuse.


  1. You are one of the most interesting and cool people I know in blog land - had to say "in blogland" since I've never met you personally - but I hope one day we do meet! :)

  2. If it were the truth, I couldn't handle it, but thank you for seasoning the stew.

  3. i suspected it was the creek...though it's easy to say that now. ;) and i completely understand about the missing posts. kudos for taking a higher road. please know i am keeping you in my thoughts though.

  4. I once got a tattoo of myself all over my own body, only 2 inches taller.


    Great post!

  5. Oooh Ooooh! I have a great nominee for you to pass this award to! Suldog LOVES awards!

    **Sits back and waits for another entertaining blog entry**

  6. Damn, girl! A tattoo? And you weren't even drunk or with sailors at the time? You wild woman, you!

  7. I would have never guessed that one!

  8. I came in backwards....I've been away for a while, and I read the answers before reading the previous post. Drat!!!
    You are so clever, girl.
    I agree with another and Jim make a great team!!

  9. This is so funny - my post today came about because of the same prodding, albeit from Knucklehead. Truth is stranger than... well, not always. We're both pretty inventive :-)

  10. I think it would be quite hilarious to see you bite a cow on the ear. I enjoyed reading your lies and truths.

  11. You are sooo great!!! You keep me laughing...and have such an incredible mind!! I love your writing, and can't wait to get my autographed copy of "The Big M"...Thanks for satisfying my curiosity, too...I've been guessing on and off all weekend about this list!!! Love you, dear friend!! Janine XOXO

  12. You are just too funny - and honestly sarcastic. I love it. I am so glad I found your blog. I'll be stopping by often to read more.

  13. You really know how to bring life to a story! You actually had me thinking, OK, I could see that happening! Awesome.

  14. Congratulations on the award! And many thanks from all of us for the great lies! As for the truth, we had a creek like that in our neighborhood when I was growing up. The kids played in it too. We all survived...I think.

  15. Just stoppin' to see what you're up to! Sending much love, Janine XO

  16. That was a hard one. Have to admit that we were totally believing the cow biting story though. :o)

    nice tattoo !! :o)

  17. Uh oh.
    With a week away from BlogLand because of, you know, graduations and family distractions, etc., I did NOTHING. I assume I've been out-lied and generally outmanuevered by my worthy competitors. Let me know if not and I will IMMEDIATELY begin writing the absolute truth about my life as a stripper and...wait, have you seen my picture? ;)
    Love, love,
    Angie at EatHere


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