What would you REALLY do if you had a billion dollars?

Sometimes we come across a meme or just a basic question asked by friends and relatives on what would happen if, by some strange fate, you had a billion dollars. What would you do with the money? Often, people will be humble with their answers.

“I will give it to charity.”

“I will help house and feed the poor.”

“I will hire a real shrink for Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and that goofy Lohan clan.”

“I will buy a gun safety lock for the football player, Plaxico Burress, so he won’t shoot himself in the leg again at a night club.”

“I would make sure to pay off the thug who will tamper with all the skates on the entire Detroit Redwings team so when my beloved Pittsburgh Penguins meet them for the Stanley Cup rematch this year, the Pens will beat down the loser wings like THE DIRTY DOGS THAT THEY ARE AND SHOW WHO ARE THE REAL HOCKEY CHAMPIONS! MUWHAHAHAHA!”

Ahem. All these are worthwhile causes, to be sure. Yet what would you selfishly do with the money? Let’s say that medical science has cured all diseases. Nobody was poor or malnourished. Those crazy celebrity gals had all decided to become *snicker* nuns. Plaxico did his jail time and pursued a lifelong career of community service. And Detroit fell off the face of the Earth.

Okay, strike out this last part. Um, the Redwings conceded that the Pens are the greatest hockey players in the world and the Loserwings quit hockey to become Las Vegas blackjack dealers.

Now, what would you do with the money?

I thought about it long and hard. I’ve come up with four things I would do with a billion bucks.

1: I would have the world’s largest and longest barbeque with all that red meat.

Hee-hee! Bucks/deer. Get it? *snicker* Oh, come one. It was a joke. Laugh a little, will you? Besides, you don’t think I would house a billion deer and shovel around all that buck poop.

Okay . . . okay . . . I would buy a bicycle and learn how to ride it. I never had one when I was a kid. The road we lived on was too dangerous (two neighborhood kids had died in car accidents). So I was completely forbidden from being near it and having a bike. I think I would enjoy having one now.

2: I would go see the ocean.

I would like to see it at least once in my life. I can imagine just standing on the beach, curling toes into the sand, and gazing at all that water rushing up on the shore. To watch the waves roll back and forth, I bet it’s an amazing sight to witness.

3: I would buy a small cottage for myself somewhere.

It doesn’t really matter to me where I might live. So long as it is at a peaceful and quiet place with great neighbors and best friends and everybody enjoys being near everyone else without having to be mean tempered. A pipe dream, I know, but so is this situation in ever having this much money. So let me dream a little with all my answers today.

4: I would give the rest away.

I wouldn’t keep it. I simply wouldn’t know what else to do with it, or have a reason to hoard the money while becoming a miserly hag. Money changes people - for better and for the worse. Since there would be no charities to give the money to do good by, and I don’t want to do worse upon myself or anyone, I would give the money away. Let someone else have a few things they might have always wanted and then let them pass the rest on.

So, what would you do with the $999,999,999.99 that I passed on to you?