Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Girly Talk

Sorry, guys. I’m going to go feminine all over this post today. No raucous humor. No lonely burping contest after drowning my sorrows with a keg of Molson. I am sure there is a highlight reel being played ad nauseam about the Olympic volleyball teams. Best go off and entertain yourselves there.

Okay, ladies. I wanted to talk about SHOPPING and MAKEUP and OPRAH! In-between these things I might mention about BALLET and LAUNDRY DETERGENT . . . are the guys gone now? Good! I had to lay down a little smokescreen so they wouldn’t stick around for this post. What I really wanted to talk about was this:

I need a man.

I didn’t realize it until the other day when I saw a tv commercial featuring this guy with a six-pack chest as he climbs out of the swimming pool. Then the announcer said, "Do you want to have rock-hard abs?" I swear I never heard the letter b when the announcer said, "abs." So there I was, appreciating the guy’s sleek chest but not understanding why the camera was focused on that when it should be focused on a lower body part.

Does this happen to anyone else? Or am I just a pitiful female specimen with thoughts focused on one thing - rock-hard a*s?

No. I am not a sex-starved fiend. I do appreciate men for more than the baggage they carry below their waists. Seriously. But the relationship factor has been dead for quite some time. It is not that I can’t get dates. I just can’t get good ones. Take the following example for instance:
- Meets a guy at wedding.
- He seems nice. We talk. Everything is going great.
- We exchange phone numbers.
- He calls and starts telling me he used to be a bodyguard for famous celebrities.
- I talk politely and ask questions about it (although I’m not entirely convinced that he is telling me the truth.)
- Then he claims to work for a big family-run security business and owns two cars.
- I’m still talking politely although I don’t understand why he is trying to impress me with this. (I could care less how much money he makes or what he drives so long as he has a wonderful personality. Be a professional doggie pooper-scooper and own a skateboard for all I care. If you got honesty and a great sense of humor, then I am all yours.)
- He asks if I do anything besides working in the wedding biz.
- I tell him I also write.
- He asks if he could be a test subject in my steamy romance novel.
- I roll eyes since I don’t write romance.
- He then starts his dirty talk even before going out on a first date.
- I’m trying to figure out why this guy is in a rush now. I enjoy sex like any other person but I don’t need to have a sex-transfusion administered just to survive for the next two hours.
- He invites me to spend the entire weekend with him, but says I need to book a hotel room for the two-night stay. Also, I must drive myself there - a thirty minute drive, which seems strange on why he wants me to pay for a hotel room in the first place if I live that close. I also must play chauffeur for us both since his cars are experiencing engine problems.
- Red warning lights start to flash before my eyes. Suddenly, I remember something that happened at the wedding yesterday. I go through work papers and discover that I met a woman there who wants to hire my services. The name of her fiancé is the same as the guy on the phone.
- I tell him we can’t meet this weekend because I have work to do concerning a client. I mention the woman’s name and that I met her at the wedding. I ask if he has heard of her.
- He doesn’t answer my question. Instead, he says the cable person just arrived. He will call back later. The guy never calls back. When trying to call him, I find out the phone number is no longer in service.
Okay, the following example doesn’t happen all the time, but it did happen. I am not good at finding good guys, and I know there are great guys out there - especially ones I have met in the blogosphere. All I am asking for is one nice guy, or even a so-so guy. I am not THAT picky. I only have 3 requirements:

1: Someone to cuddle with on the couch as we throw empty beer cans at the tv screen during the NHL playoffs because our hockey team is losing.

2: A guy who enjoys going to the electronics store so I can buy something for him for no other reason than to let him know I care.

3: Someone who would like to have an enjoyable relationship and of course mind-blowing sex once a day . . . and twice at night.


Is this so much to ask . . . Hey, guys! Are you back already? No, we ladies were just talking about knitting doilies for the salvation army and rock-hard ass, er, I mean washing large socks. You don’t have to read the middle of this post. Yawn. It’s so boring. Anyway, I heard of a website that sells pork rinds really cheap. Why don’t you google search for it? And buy a couple of cases for me? Hockey season will be starting soon.


  1. Damn. I meet the first three requirements, but #3.5 certainly eliminates my ass (rock-hard or not.)

    That guy from the wedding is utterly amazing. Did you finally do the work for the woman? I imagine not, but who knows? Would have been a touchy situation (figuratively, of course.)

    By the way, from your requirements (and from the mention of Molson) I'd suggest you start your search in Canada. But make sure you warm up the asses before you judge them for rock-hardness. Some of them just might be frozen solid.

  2. michelle, i feel for you! :(

    wish i could apologize for all the asshole males out there, but can't... they'll forever remain assholes...

    molson, eh? not labatts 50? :O lol

    finding fabulous folk seems futile, but we still look, no?

  3. Suldog: No, she never called to set up an appointment. I'm sort of on the fence about it. Sad that I didn't have her as a client and glad that I didn't have to go through any guilt trip over her man.

    Warm up Canadian booties? Wouldn't blowtorches be a bit extreme? And illegal?

    laughingwolf:-{ Too much work to waste time apologizing for assholes, so don't even try. As for the beer, I have no specific choices. I just mentioned Molson in reference to hockey.

    Yes, nothing to do but keeping look for butts... I mean nice blokes.

  4. *sigh*

    Michelle, I've been married all my life...

    So I haven't experienced "needing a man" for a very long time.

    Wished I could help you with this, hey, wait a minute...I have a cousin that has a friend that has a sister that knows a friend that has a brother that has a....oh, never mind.

    Seriously though, it's really hard to find someone that's not married or engaged the older you get and if they're not, well, then you wonder why? I wish you all the luck in this area, I know if I wasn't married I might just not even bother because of all the stories I hear! lol

    Oh and btw, what was the name of that commercial...

  5. I just love how honest you are :-) I am sure you will find a man ..I mean seriously how many women out there say they want a man to watch the NFL playoffs and buy electronics for (sure as hell not me)..you sound like every man's dream..LOL!!!

  6. Sandra: It's okay not to have any advice for me concerning this post. I was just venting out some of my frustrations.

    I believe it was a workout machine commercial, but I'm not sure which one. I didn't watch the whole thing once I realized the camera wasn't going to focuse lower on the wet guy.

    Fancypants-design: Sometimes you just gotta be honest. Men are into that, right? Right? Oh please let me be right.

  7. I'm back with the pork rinds. Did I miss anything?

    Seriously, anytime a man voluntarily tells you how many cars he has, you don't want to know anymore about him.

  8. Stephen: Thank you for the pork rinds. Hey! Where's my change?

    Ah, a sneak peek at how men's minds work. I'm jotting that little tidbit down for safekeeping.

    [run when guy mentions number of cars - check!]

  9. lol... teasing you, michelle, re the beer ;)

    you're allowed to check butts, i do, along with the rest of the woman!

    not suggesting you ogle chicks, too :O

  10. laughingwolf:) As long as there is ANY BEER at the party, I am a happy camper. LOL

    Hee-hee! Checking out butts. I think I will do that all weekend!

  11. good plan, michelle ;)

    crack me another beer while you're up? :O lol

  12. 1: Someone to cuddle with on the couch as we throw empty beer cans at the tv screen during the NHL playoffs because our hockey team is losing.

    Dang. I read this post yesterday and thought "dead-solid PERFECT!"... especially on Criterion Number One. (well, except for the age thing.) And then you drop by EIP and casually mention you're a PENS FAN. Aiiieee!

    Yet another dream... shattered. ;-)

  13. Buck: I am a hockey fan first, Pens fan second. I cheer for the Pens because I have an autographed #44 Bruce Orpik hockey stick stashed in the closet that someone was willing to pay $500 smackers for even before I got it home after winning it as a door prize. If the Pens had lost the first round of entering the playoffs, I still would have listened in on the Stanely Cup game because it is the game that matters...so your dream is not dashed.

    As for age, the only numbers that matter to me are the ones on the hockey players' jerseys. :}

  14. I am a hockey fan first, Pens fan second.

    Well said... or, me, too! I despaired when the Ducks eliminated the Wings last year in the Western Final (and in previous years, when the Wings went out early and often... but let's not talk about that), yet I watched every game in the Finals, hoping the Sens would prevail. But they didn't. I hates me some Ducks, especially that Pronger twit. But... I digress.

    So. About that non-shattered dream. Hmmm. ;-)

  15. Buck: Those dreaded Sens, er, I mean kudos for them when they eliminated the Pens last year. But it hurt when they lost to the Ducks. I kind of held onto the false hope that if the team that beats your team wins it all, then you can just tell people, "Oh, the Pens lost to the ultimate Stanley Cup Champions." It sounds so much better than, "Oh, the Pens lost to the losing team of the Stanley Cups."

    Concerning shattered dreams...Always keep the hope alive!


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