Sorry, guys. I’m going to go feminine all over this post today. No raucous humor. No lonely burping contest after drowning my sorrows with a keg of Molson. I am sure there is a highlight reel being played ad nauseam about the Olympic volleyball teams. Best go off and entertain yourselves there.
Okay, ladies. I wanted to talk about SHOPPING and MAKEUP and OPRAH! In-between these things I might mention about BALLET and LAUNDRY DETERGENT . . . are the guys gone now? Good! I had to lay down a little smokescreen so they wouldn’t stick around for this post. What I really wanted to talk about was this:
I need a man.
I didn’t realize it until the other day when I saw a tv commercial featuring this guy with a six-pack chest as he climbs out of the swimming pool. Then the announcer said, "Do you want to have rock-hard abs?" I swear I never heard the letter b when the announcer said, "abs." So there I was, appreciating the guy’s sleek chest but not understanding why the camera was focused on that when it should be focused on a lower body part.
Does this happen to anyone else? Or am I just a pitiful female specimen with thoughts focused on one thing - rock-hard a*s?
No. I am not a sex-starved fiend. I do appreciate men for more than the baggage they carry below their waists. Seriously. But the relationship factor has been dead for quite some time. It is not that I can’t get dates. I just can’t get good ones. Take the following example for instance:
- Meets a guy at wedding.
- He seems nice. We talk. Everything is going great.
- We exchange phone numbers.
- He calls and starts telling me he used to be a bodyguard for famous celebrities.
- I talk politely and ask questions about it (although I’m not entirely convinced that he is telling me the truth.)
- Then he claims to work for a big family-run security business and owns two cars.
- I’m still talking politely although I don’t understand why he is trying to impress me with this. (I could care less how much money he makes or what he drives so long as he has a wonderful personality. Be a professional doggie pooper-scooper and own a skateboard for all I care. If you got honesty and a great sense of humor, then I am all yours.)
- He asks if I do anything besides working in the wedding biz.
- I tell him I also write.
- He asks if he could be a test subject in my steamy romance novel.
- I roll eyes since I don’t write romance.
- He then starts his dirty talk even before going out on a first date.
- I’m trying to figure out why this guy is in a rush now. I enjoy sex like any other person but I don’t need to have a sex-transfusion administered just to survive for the next two hours.
- He invites me to spend the entire weekend with him, but says I need to book a hotel room for the two-night stay. Also, I must drive myself there - a thirty minute drive, which seems strange on why he wants me to pay for a hotel room in the first place if I live that close. I also must play chauffeur for us both since his cars are experiencing engine problems.
- Red warning lights start to flash before my eyes. Suddenly, I remember something that happened at the wedding yesterday. I go through work papers and discover that I met a woman there who wants to hire my services. The name of her fiancé is the same as the guy on the phone.
- I tell him we can’t meet this weekend because I have work to do concerning a client. I mention the woman’s name and that I met her at the wedding. I ask if he has heard of her.
- He doesn’t answer my question. Instead, he says the cable person just arrived. He will call back later. The guy never calls back. When trying to call him, I find out the phone number is no longer in service.
Okay, the following example doesn’t happen all the time, but it did happen. I am not good at finding good guys, and I know there are great guys out there - especially ones I have met in the blogosphere. All I am asking for is one nice guy, or even a so-so guy. I am not THAT picky. I only have 3 requirements:
1: Someone to cuddle with on the couch as we throw empty beer cans at the tv screen during the NHL playoffs because our hockey team is losing.
2: A guy who enjoys going to the electronics store so I can buy something for him for no other reason than to let him know I care.
3: Someone who would like to have an enjoyable relationship and of course mind-blowing sex once a day . . . and twice at night.
3 1/2: A GUY WHO IS NOT MARRIED OR ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED!
Is this so much to ask . . . Hey, guys! Are you back already? No, we ladies were just talking about knitting doilies for the salvation army and rock-hard ass, er, I mean washing large socks. You don’t have to read the middle of this post. Yawn. It’s so boring. Anyway, I heard of a website that sells pork rinds really cheap. Why don’t you google search for it? And buy a couple of cases for me? Hockey season will be starting soon.